Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
