dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Couch. On fire.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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