Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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