If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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