My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
