She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
