if you like me you must not know who I am
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm too high and old for this...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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