i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
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