My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
