did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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