My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
