Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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