If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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