overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize