The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
