I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
