I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
