The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
