she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
