I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
