Tell her she can't have a vagina
Ketchup is God's man juice
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
