if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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