her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Randomize
