I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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