You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
