apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
