Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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