I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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