Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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