I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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