I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
