All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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