Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
