Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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