you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
