he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize