Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
