I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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