my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize