I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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