you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
