god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My hand turned me down
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
