ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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