So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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