I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
