what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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