Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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