Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
