My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
