Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
