i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
