He passed out mid-signature
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
