My liver just broke up with me...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
