we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
