I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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