Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
