u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
