You made me cry and you don't even care
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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