I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
