If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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