'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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