I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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