the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Randomize
