she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
