I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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