I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
