dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
