One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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