I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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