did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
