I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
