I could have mohawked her pubes.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
