Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
